The Nut Crackers
by Danae
Summary: A night of fun at the Russian Ballet of the Nutcracker... Very silly...


Copyright: All the characters seen in this fan fiction are owned by Marvel and probably Stan Lee(my hero). I am making no money off of this and this story is for entertainment purposes only. Don't forget to Review!  
  
Note on accents: I just really suck at them, but I did them enough so that you'd get the point that they have a Cajun/Russian/Southern accent. If it sounds screwy… then oh well…)  
  
(Over at the X-Mansion, Jean, Scott, Kitty, Logan, Jubi, Kurt and Rogue are discussing with one another what they want to get the Professor for Christmas.)  
  
Jean: Are you sure about this?  
  
Scott: Positive.  
  
Kitty: I don't know about this, is this what he really wants?  
  
Jean: Well, he never really gave us a clue what he wanted for Christmas, now did he?  
  
Logan: We might as well. (Prof. X enters room.)  
  
Jean: Professor, we wanted to give you your Christmas present now.  
  
Prof X: What is it?  
  
Jean: Tickets for all of us to see the "award winning" Russian Nutcracker ballet being performed.  
  
Prof X: (To himself) Why can't they give me money?  
  
Jean: We're going tomorrow night.  
  
Logan: And do we all have to go?  
  
Jubi: Of course you have to go! Our presence is part of the gift!  
  
Kurt: This will be fun! My first Russian ballet! Will there be any cute girls?  
  
Logan: I hope so. I haven't had sex in weeks.  
  
~ That Night ~  
  
(Jean and Scott just finished having sex and are in their bed… naked…)  
  
Jean: The Professor didn't seem to really like his gift.  
  
Scott: I noticed that too. Oh well, too late now. This tickets are non refundable.  
  
Jean: Do we even know if the Professor likes ballet?  
  
Scott: Well, I only assumed that he did, being a well educated and rich Professor of a highly acclaimed academy and all, that he should like something like attending a ballet performance. (Logan walks in)  
  
Logan: Do I have to go?  
  
Scott: Do you ever knock? Of course you have to go. Why wouldn't you?  
  
Logan: I'll be frank with you, pretty boy, I'm not a fan of ballet loving, high-class, wine and cheese, with salted snails, thank-you-very- much freaks. I'm an animal for crying out loud and you know it. Who knows if I'm capable of acting civilized for a whole evening?  
  
Scott: I'm pretty sure you can. You've done it before.  
  
Logan: Fine, I'll go. But if I don't get any tail tomorrow night at the show, I'm using these claws as your tongue scrapper.  
  
Scott: (Not hearing the last part) Good, now go rent a tux. Torn up leather is not really classy. (Logan leaves muttering evil thoughts)  
  
~ Elsewhere ~  
  
(Rogue, Kitty, and Jubilee are talking in their room)  
  
Rogue: Ah'm so excited. Nevah been to a fancy ballet before.  
  
Kitty: I did, once. It was a musical, actually. "The Pirates of Pennsance." Really horrible though. All the actors were mute, and the entire audience was deaf, except me of course. One thing I do remember though, watching the mute people mouth, "I am the very model of a modern major general… something something, vegetable, animal and mineral…" (Continues to sing very poorly)  
  
Jubi: Riiiight… Well I'm ecstatic! I'll finally get to wear that blue dress that I've been waiting to show off to Wolvie. And maybe it'll help me pick up a date while I'm there.  
  
Kitty: Do you really think that there will be any cute guys?  
  
Rogue: Yeah, Ah could use a boyfriend right about now. Ah always wanted a Cajun boy toy, from New Orleans. ::sigh::  
  
Kitty: Go dream somewhere else, Rogue.  
  
~ Night of the Show ~  
  
Scott: Where's the professor?  
  
Jean: Still in the bathroom, I think.  
  
Kitty: He's missing the beginning!  
  
Kurt: So where are all the lovely ladies?  
  
Logan: Those are them.  
  
Kurt: But… but… they are all short, skinny, and have no chests! They look like teenage boys in dresses! They look like me!!!  
  
Kitty: Shut up and enjoy the show.  
  
Kurt: Kiss me, and I'll shut up.  
  
Kitty: Shut up, and I might not castrate you.  
  
Kurt: Eeep…  
  
Rogue: Ah must admit, the women are on the skimpy side, but look at those men! And those tights they're wearing are so tight!  
  
Jubi: It's like they aren't even wearing pants!  
  
Jean: I want that one.  
  
Scott: Hey! We're engaged!  
  
Jean: Oh shut up.  
  
Man: Would you please be quiet!  
  
All: NO!  
  
Kitty: I could so do that.. bend that way, twist this way, point a toe up there…  
  
Kurt: I'd pay to see that! Double if it's in a short skirt and thong.  
  
Kitty: Ewww! No! Smack's Kurt Perv!  
  
Jubi: Hey, Wolvie, look at that chick over on the end. She actually has a chest!  
  
Logan: Wow kid, you're right. I'll be in her dressing room after this girly-fest dance-marathon is over with.  
  
Jubi: I can't believe you just said girly.  
  
Logan: Tell anyone and that beautiful blue dress you're wearing will be shreds.  
  
Jubi: Are you telling me that you want me naked?  
  
Logan: Huh? What? Oh, ah, no… That is, I, ah, wouldn't mind, but, wait, no! Umm… you're too scrawny, and uh, dammit, you led me right into this!  
  
Jubi: I think you did it to yourself. Just enjoy the show, we can discuss your sad pedophilia later.  
  
Logan: Ahem… ::sigh:: (mutters) Stupid scrawny Asian teeny-bopper…  
  
~ Inside the Men's Room ~  
  
Prof X: (Sleeping) Zzzzzzz….  
  
BR Dude: Umm, sir? You're missing the show, should you get back out there?  
  
Prof X: (Waking up) Huh? Oh, no, I'd rather stay in here. The sound of men urinating is quite soothing, actually. Besides, I hate ballets, I was in a very tragic ballet accident when I was a child.  
  
BR Dude: What happened?  
  
Prof X: Well, why do you think that I'm in this wheelchair?  
  
BR Dude: You were paralyzed while ballet dancing?  
  
Prof X: Oh heavens, no. My male dance instructor fell on me while doing the splits in midair. He tore his hamstring and could get off of me. We were the only ones in the studio and I was too weak to lift him up. Help didn't arrive until nearly an hour later. I almost suffocated. After they finished x-raying me, they said that my lower spine had been snapped and I'd never walk again.  
  
BR Dude: Well, if you hate ballet so much, then why the hell are you here?  
  
Prof X: Well, my students got me tickets to the show for Christmas. They mean well, but sometimes they're just idiots.  
  
~ The crowded lounge during Intermission ~  
  
Scott: I think I'll go check on the Professor, honey.  
  
Jean: Good thinking.  
  
Logan: I think that if man's got the runs, he best be left alone until it passes.  
  
Scott: Runs or no runs, that man is going to get out here and enjoy the rest of the show! I spent all honeymoon money on thi—  
  
Jean: YOU WHAT??? HOW ON EARTH COULD YOU SPEND 15 HUNDERED BUCKS ON THIS BALLET?!?!  
  
Scott: Uh.. err… well, the tickets were 200 for everyone, and the tux was.. uhh..  
  
Jean: The tux was how much???  
  
Scott: Somewherebetweenfivedollarsandonegrand… IthinkIshouldgofindtheProfessornow! Seeyoulatersweetybye! ::runaway runaway!::  
  
Jean: ::Grumble grumble:: AAHHHHHHFFTER HIM!!!  
  
Logan: CHARGE!!!  
  
~ Outside on the terrace during Intermission ~  
  
(Rogue's sitting off to one side by herself)  
  
Man: Why do you look so down? Didn't you enjoy the show, it's not even over yet.  
  
Rogue: No, it's not that. Ah just… ::sigh:: never mind, Ah don't think you would care.  
  
Man: Come on how, if I didn't care, then why would I have asked?  
  
Rogue: Well, alright. It's just that these last Christmas's that Ah've had, have been what you would call, far from jovial. So, every year at about this time, Ah always get the feeling that something bad's gonna happen and make another depressing holiday. Plus, Ah still don't have anyone to share a happy Christmas with. Ah was hoping to meet a nice fella here, but the only kinds of people that come to any of these shows are too old, or have already found someone.  
  
Man: If it makes you feel any better, I'm not old, nor have I found anyone. And besides, I'd love to make your Christmas merry. I know that we've only just met, but, hmm… maybe I'm just crazy, but I feel as if we already have made a connection. Tell me cher, what's your name?  
  
Rogue: Umm… It's Rogue. Are you Cajun?  
  
Man: Well, but of course. My name is Gambit by the way. May I buy you a drink?  
  
Rogue: Gambit… Oh, um, well, Ah'm only 17.  
  
Gambit: I didn't mean anything with alcohol. Although I do think that the drinking age should be lowered to 16. But, anyway, how 'bout a nice cup of hot cocoa. I'll tell you about my place back home. You'll love it.  
  
Rogue: Mmmm… Sounds great. ::to herself:: Gambit…. I've heard that name before…  
  
~ By the Bar during Intermission ~  
  
(Kurt and Kitty are sitting at the bar)  
  
Kurt: Kitty, I need to talk to you.  
  
Kitty: If it's another one of your ideas that involve me, the splits, and a thong, I'm going to smack you again.  
  
Kurt: No, I'm serious. There is something that has been bugging me. Something that I have to tell you.  
  
Kitty: Umm… Okay, go ahead. (Jubi runs over)  
  
Jubi: Hey Kitty-Kat, (tuns to Kurt) elf, (looks back to Kitty) guess what? I found the way into the men's dressing room! You have to phase us in! Don't you want to know what Russian men really look like under all those tight leotards?  
  
Kurt: Hello?!? We're trying to have a serious conversation here!  
  
Jubi: Come on girl, you can talk to the elf at school, this is a once in a life time event! These Russian hunks have worlds more tone than this shrimpy German mouse.  
  
Kurt: I'm a shrimp and a mouse? Man, I have to eat more protein.  
  
Jubi: So, Katt, what do you say? Super Man, or Mighty Mouse?  
  
Kurt: Yah, guys that can't even speak English or one of your closest friends?  
  
Kitty: ::sigh:: I'm with Jubi. I can talk to you at the institute. But I'll never see these sexy men again. Besides, if what you have to tell me is really important, wouldn't it be a better idea to tell me somewhere where we can be alone and not in the middle of a crowded room?  
  
Kurt: I guess you're right. Go have fun.  
  
Jubi: Score! Come on girl, let's go!  
  
(Jubi and Kitty leave)  
  
(Logan walks up)  
  
Logan: Seems to me that you're having a little bit of trouble with the ladies. Although, you couldn't be nearly as bad as Scott. His fiancé is chasing him around nearly ready to chop his ghetties off because he spent a grand on his tux. What a loser.  
  
Kurt: I don't know, Logan, I'm pretty bad at acting around women. I can't figure out what they want. Is it muscle, because I can get that. Or money? I'm not rich. What do they want?  
  
Logan: Well, if we new that, then I don't think that we'd be the only dateless men at this bar, although I think everyone is beginning to suspect that were homosexuals. I mean, why else would two men be here if they're wives hadn't dragged them to the ballet, or if they really did enjoy it because they were pansies.  
  
Kurt: Oh crap! We better start hitting on some women before people tell us that we make such a cute couple!  
  
Logan: Good idea. I'll head over to the lovely, half-way chestie ballerina's dressing room. You keep watch out.  
  
Kurt: Hey! I want a peek at the lovely's lovely chesties too!  
  
Logan: Like she'd show you, elf.  
  
Kurt: Hey! I'm taller than you!!!  
  
Logan: I could fit three of you in me.  
  
Kurt: Hmph! Let's go.  
  
~ Men's Restroom … Still Intermission ~  
  
Scott: Professor? Are you in here?  
  
BR Dude: Hey, are you looking for that guy in the wheelchair?  
  
Scott: Yeah, have you seen him?  
  
BR Dude: Sure, he left about a half hour ago. He was practically in tears from all the stress that the ballet caused him.  
  
Scott: Stress? What stress?  
  
BR Dude: When he was a kid, he was flattened by his dance instructor. That's how he said he got paralyzed.  
  
Scott: I always thought it was because of his falling out with Magneto.. weird…  
  
Jean: Scott? Where are you? I know you're in here!  
  
Scott: Jean! What the hell are you doing in here? This is the men's room! Get out, get out!  
  
Jean: Oh hush up. I'm using my psychic powers to make everyone think I'm male. Besides, it's not like I haven't seen any of this before… I've live in an institute with men for most of my adolescence.  
  
Scott: Err… well, okay. The Professor isn't in here. I think he left because of, uh, personal reasons.  
  
Jean: Right. We go through all the trouble to give him a nice present at the ballet, and he leaves us all? And that was our honeymoon money! I could kill him!  
  
Scott: Jean, calm down. I'm sure the Professor will give us back compensation for anything we owe him. Plus, I'll send the tux back. So, hey, we still got $1050.  
  
Jean: ::sigh:: Okay. Let's go back to the show.  
  
~ Just Outside The Men's Dressing Room … Still in intermission (damn intermission's long) ~  
  
Jubi: Okay Kitty, I think that this is the way to their closet. Now, just phase us through that wall and I think we can watch from inside it. The view'll be perfect.  
  
Kitty: How did you figure all of this out anyway?  
  
Jubi: Air vents. I hid in the air vents.  
  
Kitty: Desperate, aren't we?  
  
Jubi: Yes, very.  
  
Kitty: Come on, let's go!  
  
~ The two girls phase through the wall. They are now in a very dark closet full of Russia ballet clothes ~  
  
Kitty: Ummm… Jubi… It's really dark.  
  
Jubi: Shhhh!!! I think I hear someone.  
  
(Door creeks open. Huge naked male dancer appears.)  
  
Dancer: Now vere is mein tights? Deh should be somevere in here…  
  
Jubi: (whisper) Holy crap! Can you see the size of his shlong? He's huge!  
  
Kitty: (also whispering) I just can't believe that Russian dancers walk around naked during intermission.  
  
Jubi: Well, this is a dressing room. And they are supposed to change costumes.  
  
Kitty: Oh my god! His dick is like, 2 feet from our faces! Dammit, these dusty costumes are messing with my sinuses. Ahh…  
  
Dancer: Vat was dat noise? Is anyone zere?  
  
Kitty: Ahh…ahh… CHOOOO!!  
  
Jubi: CRAP! RUN!  
  
(Kitty and Jubi make a dash between the naked Russian's legs and head for the door. He quickly grabs both of them by their hair and stops them.)  
  
Dancer: Ah-ah-ah, no no, you two are staying with me. No one sneaks into Peter Rasputin's dressing room and makes a mockery of him!  
  
Jubi: Fine, fine! We'll stay! But, please, for the love of God put some pants. You dick is clouding up my vision.  
  
Peter: Err… yes, I am still naked. I'll be right back. (Peter exits to another part of his dressing room)  
  
Kitty: Let's get the fuck out of here!  
  
Jubi: What? And miss the best part?  
  
Kitty: What do you think he's going to do to us?  
  
Jubi: Well, he's about 6'7" and has more muscle then both Wolvie and Scott put together, Russian, and he can dance ballet. My guess is that he'll make us have a wild orgy with all the other hunky Russian dancers.  
  
Kitty: I don't know this sounds like the beginning of one of those rape victim stories.  
  
(Peter enters again, fully clothed.)  
  
Peter: Good evening, ladies. Please, make yourselves comfortable. I'll try to make this as painless for you as possible.  
  
Jubi: (to Kitty) On the count of run, grab my hand, phase, and run!  
  
Kitty: (to Jubi) Okay.  
  
Jubi: RUN!!! 


End file.
